Western culture views independence as a virtue. We’ve been taught that a truly strong person doesn’t need anybody to survive and thrive. But being attached to your partner is actually a good thing. In fact, a secure attachment underlies the strongest relationships. And both partners in such relationships tend to feel individually much better able to problem-solve and deal with many of life's difficulties. Each partner will feel more empowered knowing that someone 'has my back'.
EFT is usually a short term, structured approach to couples therapy formulated in the early 80's by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. EFT is also used with families. A substantial body of research outlining the effectiveness of EFT now exists. Research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements.
When couples argue about such issues as jealously, sex or money, the origins of these arguments are usually some form of protest from one partner about not feeling connected, not trusting, or not feeling safe or secure with the other partner. When those we are attached to are not available, or are not responding to our needs to feel close or supported we feel distressed. We may become anxious or fearful, numb or distant. These behaviors can become habitual or rigid modes of reacting to our partners. Furthermore, these toxic behavior patterns seem to take on a life of their own as they cycle into repetitive couple’s interactions that cause much pain, injury and despair. We focus on these patterns and work on changing these negative interaction cycles in a non-judgmental environment.
In EFT, the therapist creates a 'safe haven' in which the couple can explore the emotions behind the negative interactions, the pain and anger. In a relatively short time, couples begin to recognize and eventually express their needs for love, support, protection and comfort that are often hidden or disguised by the harsh or angry words used in repetitive self- defeating patterns of conflict or arguments with each other. Partners begin to “listen with the heart,” one of the cornerstones of EFT – which means listening not for the literal meaning of a partner’s words, but for the feelings that lie beneath. In return, the other partner is better able to respond from their heart in kind. This is the emotional focus of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
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